Ethics and Religion Talk: Am I Obligated to Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me?

The Rev. Sandra Nikkel, head pastor of Conklin Reformed Church, responds:

Forgiveness is also about letting go and not seeking revenge. But, forgiveness doesn’t mean you’re obligated to reconcile and let the person back into your life, even if the person’s motivations were out of love, it doesn’t mean you have to trust them and allow them right back into your life. Reconciliation is not always a possibility nor should it be imposed to anyone. Forgiveness is also about freeing yourself to the point of not needing anything from the person who hurt you—not even an apology. Finally, forgiveness is something you do for yourself. You let go of the hurt and pain the person caused you and trust that God will judge all things well, at the right time. 

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus says to Peter, “I do not say to you to forgive seven times, but seventy times seven.” Yes, we must accept and forgive if the request is sincere.

The act of seeking forgiveness requires a person to know of the offense, sincerely regret the action, and then ask forgiveness.

The question indicates the person who harmed has not sincerely sought forgiveness. The reason for this is unknown. I recommend forgiving but not forgetting. Until the behavior changes, keep yourself out of harm’s way!

Linda Knieriemen, Senior Pastor at First Presbyterian Church in Holland, responds:

Forgiveness is a necessary element of creating and maintaining wholeness in relationships whether with one another, within oneself or with God. God in the person Jesus desires this wholeness and therefore preaches of its importance.  But it is not merely an end in itself.  If I want to maintain relationship with someone who has hurt me, then yes, forgiveness will be necessary. The one who has hurt me has responsibility as well: to cease the behavior which caused the pain.

Sometimes a relationship in which harmful behavior continues are past the point of reconciliation. In cases like this, forgiveness I would say that forgiveness is not obligatory, in fact it may be spiritually unhealthy. Giving up feelings of revenge and leaving the situation in the God’s hands may be the best a person can manage. 

Imam Kip Curnutt, Director of Religious Education and Associate Imam of Masjid At-Tawheed in Grand Rapids, responds:

Forgiveness is ultimately for the benefit of the one doing the forgiving. I don't think it's is obligatory but it is what is best for you. Practicing forgiveness is part of a wider spiritual practice of inculcating within yourself Godly traits. As it says in the Quran: ...let the believers forgive and overlook. Wouldn't you love that God forgive you? Also, I think it's important to recognize that forgiveness is an internal decision about letting go of anger. Forgiveness does not require of you to continue to expose yourself to abusive behavior or to spend time with people who are harmful to your wellbeing. I can simultaneously forgive someone while deciding to limit their role in my life, not out of anger or to punish them but for the sake of my own mental health. 

The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:

Offering forgiveness to someone who has hurt you is as much for you as it is for the person doing the harm. In fact, you can forgive someone who has never apologized to you. Forgiveness can free you from that person so that you can continue your life without them. And yes, a person can offer an apology and show good intention and still fall short. For example, someone with an addiction can promise recovery and truly mean it but until they seek help, they may continue to fail. The best response to this type of situation is for you to set clear and healthy boundaries for yourself and to stick to them.

Fred Stella, the Pracharak (Outreach Minister) for the West Michigan Hindu Temple, responds:

My question to you is, who is doing the obligating? I know that this is a challenging subject for many.  Perhaps it is better to look at forgiveness as a process rather than something that must automatically kick in whenever we feel wronged. It sounds like you have a very special circumstance. I suspect that the best advice I might share would be helped more appropriate if I knew the particulars. But regardless, the principles are the same. 

Many people have this concept that we should receive a slap and say, “Thank you, sir. May I have another?” I find that mentality to be damaging to both parties. And if someone wrongs us we might come to a place of letting it go, but that doesn’t mean that we allow ourselves to be put in a compromising position with the offender again.  And forgiveness does not mean that offenders should escape the consequences of their actions. Again, it’s a process. But you say that what this person is doing is harmful. By all means, do whatever you can to have them cease and desist. Their motives (“with love”) are immaterial. 

Forgiving someone isn’t something that is just done for the offender. We benefit as well. I’ve seen people lead stunted lives with toxic results due to their stubbornness to let go of real or imagined offenses. And I can attest that coming to forgiveness easier as my spiritual practice increases.