Ethics and Religion Talk: Why Have I Miscarried?

Jeff asks for a reaction to the following story: “A young woman has been living with her boyfriend for at least a year. The relationship is over three years in duration. She conceives. Though they weren't looking to have a child, they knew at some point they would and value the pregnancy. Sadly, she experiences a miscarriage. They woman describes herself as moderately religious. The boyfriend now spends a great deal of time in prayer, mostly to ask for forgiveness for and understanding of the sin(s) that led to the miscarriage. He keeps asking the woman to join him in this act of repentance. She is beside herself and now thinks about whether she should move forward in the relationship because his behavior is upsetting her and making it difficult for her to mourn her loss.”

Linda Knieriemen, Senior Pastor at First Presbyterian Church in Holland, responds:

“Oh dear. It’s the theodicy question— why do bad things happen? Is God to blame, am I to blame, or is the universe truly random?

“Both these folks are trying to make sense of a tragedy, both need to grieve, but choose very different ways to do so. Although I do not believe that a miscarriage is a punishment for sin, to pray for forgiveness is a sign of humility and demonstrates desire to embrace God’s grace in a time of crisis and I’d want to affirm this instinct. Perhaps the young man has been harboring a sense of guilt which has surfaced because of the crisis.

“If the couple, with the help of a good spiritual advisor and/or couples counselor, is able to maintain dialogue through this painful journey, there is significant opportunity to grow spiritually and as a couple.  I would encourage them to find common ways to recognize the life lost, encouraging them to name and memorialize the child.”

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

“What a sad situation! Both these young people are grieving the loss of their child, despite the type of relationship they had when conceived. The response to this question is not about religion. It is about pastoral care.

“Unfortunately, marriages that endure the loss of a child end about 80% of the time, according to Five Little Doves. Everyone grieves differently. Each of us experiences days we describe as good or bad. When a couple loses a child, the hills and valleys of a relationship are amplified with the suffering of a loss. Why would this be any different to this couple who is not married?

“I would speak with the couple about their grief and the grieving process. All human life is valuable and to be treasured. The boyfriend is feeling guilty about his actions in the conception of the child outside of wedlock. God will forgive this, but will he forgive himself?

“Whether this relationship succeeds is immaterial. Without healthy expressions of grief, both parties will bring this experience into a new relationship. The pastoral focus is on healing so they may move forward either with each other or apart.”

Rev. Ray Lanning, a retired minister of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, responds:

“ ‘Good understanding giveth favor, but the way of transgressors is hard’ (Proverbs 13:15). These two people have chosen to go their own way, and live life on their own terms. As it often does, life has landed them in a very difficult situation. Had they consulted the wisdom and direction of God’s Word at the beginning of their life together, they would now be in a position to enjoy the solid comfort and help that God’s promises afford believers when tragedy strikes and hopes are dashed.​

“I note in passing that it is wrong to draw a straight-line connection between the sins we commit and the trials and sorrows we encounter in life. God has punished sin in the person of His own Son, with the bitter and shameful death of the cross. Christ has fully satisfied for all our sins, and it would be unjust of God to exact further punishment from those who belong to Christ. See also John 9:1-3.

“As it is, there is nothing for these two people in God’s Word except the warning that if they continue to go their own way, it will end badly. There is much in Scripture that speaks to the problems they face, but only if understood on God’s terms and addressed in God’s way. The gospel call to faith is not an appeal to become ‘moderately religious,’ or even ‘very religious,’ but to put whole-souled trust in God and His Word, and practice entire subjection to His Son, Jesus Christ. ‘Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the law of the LORD. Blessed are they that keep His testimonies, and that seek Him with the whole heart’ (Psalm 119:1, 2).”

The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:

“Having a miscarriage can be a heartbreaking experience. Grief often follows. Unitarian Universalists are strong believers in science which includes biology and the reproductive system. Miscarriages occur because the fetus is not developing correctly or viable, and we believe they occur naturally and are not an act of a vengeful God. UUs who believe in God, believe in a loving God and not a punishing God. I believe the boyfriend’s insistence on the girlfriend to repent is a form of emotional abuse. She would be better off to move on from this abusive relationship.”