Ethics and Religion Talk: When is it OK to Solicit Charity?

Ethics and Religion Talk is seeking one or two liberal-leaning Protestant panelists. Interested clergy, please contact me at [email protected].

Barry asks, “My grandmother, my father and two brothers have all experienced dementia as they aged. At the moment, I'm still working full time, but I'm realizing that at some point I will have to retire. My brother, P., is now living on his and his wife's Social Security, which leaves them well below the poverty line. I'm going to send him a thousand dollars to help with holiday expenses. I know that a half dozen of my cousins and their families are planning to join them for the holiday and I can't imagine how he will afford it. I was wondering if I ought to explain how desperately he needs help to my cousins, who could easily help, but I don't know if I have the right to do that.”

The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:

“This is a difficult situation. I think the ethical thing to do is to speak directly to your brother or his wife and to offer your willingness to speak to your cousins regarding the situation. Share with your brother how you would frame the conversation to alleviate his fears or shame. Going to him first and directly will show him that you respect him. He may reject your offer but at least he will know you were thinking of him and perhaps in time he or his wife may ask for your help in having a healthy conversation with your larger family.”

The Rev. Sandra Nikkel, head pastor of Conklin Reformed Church, responds:

“ ‘Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?’ (James 2:15-16). God calls us to be generous and provide for those in need. In many other cultures the family ties are so strong and their love for family is so real that the question of whether to help or not wouldn’t even need to be asked. You have done the right thing by helping your brother and his wife and your family should do the same. By doing this you will be blessed because God tells us that it is more blessed to give than to receive. By doing this you will also be putting your religion into practice. (1 Timothy 5).”

Rev. Ray Lanning, a retired minister of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, responds:

“The Apostle Paul teaches that the relief of those who find themselves in straightened circumstances falls first of all on their families and kinsfolk. ‘If any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to show piety at home, and to requite their parents, for that is good and acceptable before God’ (I Timothy 5:1). Those who have no family to help are to be taken under the care of the church.

“You are right to help your brother, for your parents’ ​sake and his; and it is right to remind your cousins of their duty to help. It may well be that they have no real understanding of your brother’s plight. Junior family members often are blind to the emerging needs of their seniors as they succumb to age and decay. They see them as they once were, and not as they are.”

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Adjutant Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

“This question brings to my mind the philosophical principle of Ockham’s razor. Ockham was a medieval Franciscan priest who developed a philosophical method of choosing simplicity to resolve issues rather than complicated procedures.

“If one were to tell the cousins of his brothers plight, might the brother in need consider this disdainful behavior? In other words, do you have the right to share your brother’s information with anyone?

“What I would suggest is simply stating to your cousins, I know my brother is going through a financially hard time and I am sending him money to assist in hosting this holiday celebration. Might you consider doing the same?”

My Response:

I suspect that you are afraid that your brother might be either ashamed or too proud to take assistance from the larger family. However, given that they are coming to him for the holiday and that you need to be mindful of your impending retirement (and reduction of income), I suggest that you share the information in confidence with a selection of your cousins, those whom you know will keep the information in confidence, to see if they are willing to funnel their help through you as their emissary. Jewish tradition believes that giving without being recognized as the giver is a high level of charity. P. will have the dignity of thinking that you alone are helping and that he is providing Pesah for his family without having to know that the people around his table are supporting him.