Ethics and Religion Talk: What to do about Negative Nancys and Downer Daves?

“SN” asks, “I have a friend who often comes to our happy hour group but the minute this person comes the whole mood changes. He is very negative and everything he talks about is about the people who are trying to take advantage of him or what went wrong on his many trips that he takes around the world. We try to love him but it's wearing on many of us. What is the ethical thing to do – confront him, put up with him, or tell him he's not welcome?”

My response:

After you have exhausted the ethically positive steps, it is acceptable and ethical to protect the integrity and the well-being of the group by removing the member whose behavior is damaging the nature of the gatherings. You’ve already tried the ethically positive step of putting up with him with love, and that hasn’t worked. The next step is to have a conversation with him, rather than to confront him. We are too quick to jump to the word ‘confront,’ which itself has negative and aggressive connotations. A gentle conversation might yield better results. If not, then your next option is to suspend him from the group for a defined period of time of a month or two. If a brief time-out doesn’t work, then your final option would be to tell him that he is no longer welcome.

Linda Knieriemen, Senior Pastor at First Presbyterian Church in Holland, responds:

I’m well familiar with such scenarios!

 I have several questions: What is the nature of the group and what are the assumptions surrounding the gathering? Is this a group of work colleagues? A group of neighbors? All from a religious community? What do we know about this Negative Ned? Might he be depressed? Grieving? In emotional or physical pain?

I believe kindness is the bottom line, but that can manifest in more than one way. Putting up with him could be the kindest action, especially if there has been a recent precipitating event. Kindness could also show itself in a private one on one conversation with this person away from the group happy hour time where gentle questions could be explored  such as ‘things seem to be bothering to you more than they have in the past’ or even more directly, ‘I wonder if you realize how often, when our group is together you focus on the negative or sad parts of life— some of us are concerned about you.’  I’ve known people who have no awareness of how negative they sound and upon receiving gentle feedback adjust their conversation accordingly. 

Telling someone he or she is not welcome is hardly kind. Perhaps a conversation could be initiated about what the participants desire form their happy hour. If the informal rules discourage negativism, this individual might choose to not attend or when they dwell on the negative, could be lightheartedly reminded of the group ‘rules’. 

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

All three options proposed in this question are possible modes of dealing with the perceived problem. I surmise that if the group maintains the status quo some of the present group of friends may stop attending happy hour.

The questioner names this person a friend. I expect my friends to call attention to my bad behavior or if something has fallen onto my shirt or pants. If I am behaving badly or differently, I want my friends to tell me.

Publicly you could focus him on the good that is happening in his life. For example, ask what did you enjoy about your latest trip? If he veers, keep him focused on the good side of the trip. If this does not work, then privately speak to your friend. Share with him the negative perception you and others have. Ask if there is anything you may do.

If refocusing your friend does not work, and if after speaking with your friend the negative behavior does not end, only then would I consider speaking with him about not being welcome to the happy hour.

Rev. Ray Lanning, a retired minister of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, responds:

You do not say whether this group observes ‘happy hour’ in a bar or a church. I am in no position to offer advice or even to comment on what goes on in bars and cocktail lounges. If this group meets in the context of a church and involves church members, then you have an obligation to confront such unchristian behavior, and try to get to the roots of it. This man clearly does not know how to apply the teachings of the Christian faith to his daily life and relationships. He is filled with complaints and resentments of many kinds. In love, consider that this man is doing great harm to himself, and needs to be delivered from bondage to sin and misery. His only hope is that others will deal faithfully with him, and show him God’s way of forgiveness and freedom in Christ.

The Rev. Steven W. Manskar, a retired United Methodist pastor, responds:

Jesus’ instructions for how to deal with a person who has offended the community are a helpful guide (Matthew 18:15-17). First, choose a member of the group to go to your friend and tell him honestly, and lovingly, how his behavior is damaging the dynamic of the group and his relationship with them. ‘If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.’ If he does not listen or adjust his behavior, then one or two others go to him. Present evidence of the problem and, speaking the truth in love, ask him to change how he conducts himself in the group. If he fails to relent, then take your case to the whole group with him present. If he continues the offending behavior, only then consider turning him out of the group with the understanding he is welcome to return when he changes his behavior.

Fred Stella, the Pracharak (Outreach Minister) for the West Michigan Hindu Temple, responds:

Years ago, there was a person who was part of a meditation group I facilitate whom everyone seemed to like. But over the years he was sucked into the world of right-wing talk radio, which changed him dramatically. After our Sunday services we’d all go out for lunch. It seemed that he could never leave his political angst at the door. He could turn a conversation about puppies and rainbows into a rant. Thankfully, after a time he just left the group on his own. It felt like a burst of light returned to our group. But I deeply regret the many months when we just put up with him for the sake of avoiding confrontation. It was really my responsibility to deal with the issue and I avoided it. By all means, have a private conversation with Mr. Crankypants. I’m sure I don’t have to mention that this should be approached from a place of love and compassion. But some people don’t allow themselves to even see that. Be at ease with whatever the outcome. If he chooses to reflect on his offensive ways or extricate himself from your circle, it’s all good. 

The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:

In my opinion the ethical or best approach is honesty. I also believe confronting someone does not need to come off harsh. Unitarian Universalists have many different beliefs within our congregations, the way we get along is by using a covenant that we all agree upon. In our committees or small group ministries we write out our list of agreed behaviors, like no talking over others, or one person speaks at a time. Everyone contributes to the covenant and then we all must agree to these behaviors.

Your happy hour group could agree to no negative chatter. If your friend starts to be negative you would say, as a group we have all agreed to no negative chatter. He can stay if he stops being negative, or he would need to leave if he does not wish to change. It would be up to him.