Ethics and Religion Talk: Should Cemeteries Honor the Saltier Qualities of the Deceased?

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The family wanted to honor the essence of their father and his rough personality on his tombstone. The cemetery feels differently and wants the stone removed. Who is in the right? “Headstone With Hidden Profanity Annoys The F Out Of Cemetery”

Rev. Ray Lanning, a retired minister of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, responds:

“Since the family of the deceased were instructed beforehand not to place the headstone with its bit of dubious humor in the cemetery, the family members are very much at fault for proceeding with their plans. The situation has only been compounded by the notoriety given to their defiant actions by online media, whose standards of good taste (see the headline given to the story) are lower than average, to say the least. The headline is erroneous; the inscription is obscene, not profane, and it is by no means hidden. The cemetery authorities must now follow through and have the headstone removed, by a court order if necessary.

“It may be news to some readers, but there are large numbers of your fellow citizens who do not use profanity or obscenities in their daily conversation, and have no wish to be showered with them by others. For Christians the standard is very clear: ‘Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers’ (Ephesians 4:29).”

Fred Stella, the Pracharak (Outreach Minister) for the West Michigan Hindu Temple, responds:

“Admittedly, this is a rather caustic acrostic, but too much is being made out of it. If anything, the tempest created here will turn the gravesite into a tourist attraction. I would suspect that very few outside of the family who might casually glance at the tombstone would figure out what is being said. And of those who see it, most would probably assume it to be an accident.”

“Now I see even greater wisdom in our Hindu tradition of cremation!”

The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:

“I side with the family's tribute to their father. Cemetery are communal places where some people process their grief. In their own way they tried to discreetly honor their father's crude personality.

“Cemetery have a tendency to present all people as polished, noble and saintly. But the truth is some people are really rough around the edges. The cemetery should be a place where all expressions of human beings can be honored. If the grave marker offends you then it is probably best to remain solely focused on the marker you came to visit.”

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

“Several principles collide with this question. These are the concepts of respect for one’s neighbor, private property, the common good, and the rights of an individual.

“The Roman Catholic Church teaches that ‘charity always proceeds by way of respect for one’s neighbor and his or her conscience’ (Catechism of the Catholic Church, p. 441). The Seventh Commandment of the Decalogue teaches, ‘thou shalt not steal.’ This concept denotes the principle that ‘Christian life strives to order this world’s goods to God and to fraternal charity’ (Ibid., p. 577).

“Rights always come with obligations (cf. The 1983 Code of Canon Law, canons 208 – 223). Although the hidden message in the gravestone has meaning to the family, it offends others. The cemetery in question asked the family not to place the marker. The family did it anyway. I see a grave disrespect for everyone. The rights of an individual, or a family, do not supersede the common good. The community has a right to be upset, and the obligation to teach decorum necessary to respect one’s neighbor.”

My response:

Given that the family deliberately ignored the cemetery policy and the cemetery’s Board of Trustees instruction not to place the headstone, the trustees of the cemetery should remove the stone at the family’s expense. In addition, I support the policy of the cemetery to maintain the dignity and sanctity of the space by instituting and enforcing rules regarding appropriate speech and design. A stone in the shape of a large erect male genital organ would be similarly offensive. There is a place for honoring the saltier aspects of a loved one’s life, but that place is not in a public cemetery, carved in stone on a monument.