Ethics and Religion Talk: My Boyfriend's Ex Has Herpes!

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

“This question stupefies me! The freedom with which individuals share themselves most intimately is troublesome. Further, the ability, let alone the desire, to know information about others is frightening.

“I have a question for the author of this inquiry. Is any of this information yours to share? Information you receive in confidence is not yours. Unless the person permits you, you are not at liberty to tell anyone else, ever!

“No, do not tell anyone about herpes. Instead, honor all parties in this situation by respecting their privacy.”

The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:

“I understand the desire to protect your friend, but this also feels inappropriate for you to be the one to disclose this woman’s personal information. You can expose your own personal information by saying, ‘I have recently been exposed to genital herpes, so please be careful.’ And stop there. As a rule, it is best to only share our own stories with other people, it is not our place to share another person’s story with other people.”

Fred Stella, the Pracharak (Outreach Minister) for the West Michigan Hindu Temple, responds:

“Before anything, I’m sorry that you and your boyfriend have to deal with this issue. I imagine it’s a challenge to deal with.

“As to the dilemma you offer, I suspect that there are several ways to handle this. I’ll propose just one. Obviously, it is really this woman’s place to share her condition with your friend, should they ever approach intimacy. It seems as if you don’t trust her to do this, however. If she was not forthcoming to your boyfriend we assume that she’s likely to repeat this behavior. But you didn’t mention whether she knew about the herpes at the time she canoodled with him.

“While I usually recommend people stay out of other couples’ business, I’d hate to see someone suffer needlessly.  If I were in your position I might tell my friend that before he allows any fireworks to happen, he should be made aware of a situation of which he needs to be appraised. Be clear that it is not your place to explain any further. But that he should go no further in the relationship until this is resolved. That’s it.

“The sad thing here is that medical science has come a long way in treating and preventing herpes. I would hope that the woman in question is educated on these options and will share this knowledge with any potential partners.”

Rev. Ray Lanning, a retired minister of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, responds:

“You may want to know more about their relationship before you speak up. No one has ever contracted an STD from looking at postings on Facebook. If indeed they are more than just virtual friends on line, you may have a duty to tell what you know. Choose the right time and place to speak privately, in person, and in confidence, and say nothing more than the plain truth. You will have to leave your friend to draw his own conclusions, and for a time the friendship may hang in the balance. Be aware that some people prefer to cherish their illusions and ignore ‘red flags’ or contra-indications.”

My response:

At its core, the answer to your question depends on whether your knowledge of your ex’s medical condition is a piece of lashon hara (gossip) that should not be shared, or is a legitimate piece of information intended to protect the life and health of your friend. Lashon hara is information that may or may not be true (it is different than slander, which is false information deliberately shared in order to cause damage), that will hurt someone’s reputation if you share it. To decide whether protecting someone’s life/health supersedes the prohibition against spreading lashon hara, you need to know whether someone’s life is indeed at risk. Apparently, you know for certain that your boyfriend has genital herpes. How certain are you that he caught the herpes from this woman? Could he have caught it from a previous relationship, and it lay dormant for a period of time? Could he have cheated on this ex with someone else? Could he have caught it from a brief relationship after he broke up with this ex and before he began the relationship with you?

Unless you can determine with reasonable certainty that your boyfriend caught it from her, then it is possible that she does not in fact have herpes. Sharing anything about her with your friend would be lashon hara. If, however, it is possible for you to determine with reasonable certainty that this woman has genital herpes, then warning your friend to take precautions before engaging in an intimate relationship with her would follow the spirit of Leviticus 19:16, “Don’t stand idly by when your fellow/neighbor is in danger.”

This column answers questions of Ethics and Religion by submitting them to a multi-faith panel of spiritual leaders in the Grand Rapids area. We’d love to hear about the ordinary ethical questions that come up in the course of your day as well as any questions of religion that you’ve wondered about. Tell us how you resolved an ethical dilemma and see how members of the Ethics and Religion Talk panel would have handled the same situation. Please send your questions to [email protected].

This column answers questions of Ethics and Religion by submitting them to a multi-faith panel of spiritual leaders in the Grand Rapids area. We’d love to hear about the ordinary ethical questions that come up in the course of your day as well as any questions of religion that you’ve wondered about. Tell us how you resolved an ethical dilemma and see how members of the Ethics and Religion Talk panel would have handled the same situation. Please send your questions to [email protected].