Lately, I’ve been getting questions at least monthly, almost weekly, about unmarried seniors having sex. I don’t know if there are a whole lot of active seniors out there or if we’re being pranked by a someone or someones with a middle school mentality, obsessed with getting us to write about sex.
This is the second question on senior sex that “Joe K.” sent. When he asked last year about having a sexual relationship with his 79 year old partner, I told him we’d already answered the question. So he came back this year with a variation that we hadn’t addressed yet.
Here’s Joe K.'s question: “I am 81 and dating a female who is 80. We have been dating for over two years. At first, we were engaged in sexual intercourse. I am a Christian and aware that sex outside of marriage is a sin. A year ago, we stopped having sex. We love each other dearly and want to be able to satisfy our sexual desire. If we have sex without intercourse, are we still in sin?”
The Rev. Steven Manskar, pastor of Trinity United Methodist Church in Grand Rapids, responds:
My question to this man is: “If you and your partner love one another, what is preventing you from getting married?”
Linda Knieriemen, Senior Pastor at First Presbyterian Church in Holland, responds:
“Oh for crying out loud. NO. You are not in sin even if you are having intercourse. Enjoy your God-given sexuality in mutually pleasurable, life-affirming ways for as long as you can. Pastorally, I’d advise asking these questions;
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- Is your sexual activity mutual? Exclusive?
- Is your sexual activity medically safe?
- Is your sexual activity life-giving?
“At the age of this questioner the ‘life’ referred to of course is not about children but about joy, beauty, growth in relationship, and intimacy with God.”
Rev. Ray Lanning, a retired minister of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, responds:
“The shortest way to overcome your mutual scruples of conscience is to get married. ‘Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled’ (Hebrews 13:2). ‘Marriage was ordained for the mutual help of husband and wife … and for preventing uncleanness’ (Westminster Confession, Ch. XXIV, Sec. II). Since your problem is one of being true to your deepest beliefs and values, it is not likely that anyone else can draw the lines for you as to what is acceptable or not in your relationship. It seems to me that you both possess the faith, love, and life experience to make a very happy marriage in the sunset years of your lives.
The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:
“Unitarian Universalists have a comprehensive sexual education curriculum called OWL, which stands for Our Whole Lives. We believe in people having a healthy, consensual, and well-informed sex life throughout the entire adult lifespan; we think sex is a natural and healthy part of a being human. Sex should not have shame attached to it. We would see nothing wrong with two consenting unmarried senior citizens having a sexual relationship. And we do not limit the definition of sex as sexual intercourse only. There are many ways to be sexually intimate with one another without engaging in intercourse.”
Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:
“Yes, sex without intercourse is a sin. The Catholic Church teaches, ‘sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign, and a pledge of spiritual communion’ (Catechism of the Catholic Church, p. 567). The Church defines sexuality as ‘the means by which a man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts that are proper and exclusive to spouses. It is not something simply biological’ (ibid.) and ‘is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death’ (ibid.).
“I have said this before. When a man and woman are at the height of sexual ecstasy then they are the closest to God that humans may get on this earth because they are one and caught up with the other. In other words, the action becomes a prayer the married couple offers to God.”
“Joe K.,” I hope you were not JoKing and you take the responses as seriously as our panel offered them. From my tradition, we believe that most human beings were created with a sexual drive that impels them to be in partnership with another. Even asexual human beings would benefit from being in a non-intimate relationship. It is better for the relationship to be sanctified and celebrated, but we do not believe that consensual non-marital sexuality is inherently sinful.
And to our other Dear Readers: Some on the panel have informed me that they are no longer answering questions about seniors engaging in consensual, intimate, behavior. So please search our archives for the answer and let me know what other burning questions you have on your mind aside from non-marital intimacy.
This column answers questions of Ethics and Religion by submitting them to a multi-faith panel of spiritual leaders in the Grand Rapids area. We’d love to hear about the ordinary ethical questions that come up in the course of your day as well as any questions of religion that you’ve wondered about. Tell us how you resolved an ethical dilemma and see how members of the Ethics and Religion Talk panel would have handled the same situation. Please send your questions to [email protected].
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