Ethics and Religion Talk: Help! My Husband Wants to Watch Me Have Sex With a Woman!

“Christine” writes:

“I am praying for help and answers to keep my marriage. My husband and I have only been married 7 months and he wants me to have sex with a woman and watch. I am more outgoing than he is but am not comfortable with this. He was alone for along time after divorcing his first wife and a threesome is his fantasy. Years of watching porn as a substitute for a woman. He felt since I was ‘wilder’ I would be ok with it. When we were dating, I said we could go to a strip club or I would kiss  a girl to turn him on, but it never happened. I set the tone for this along time ago and now it's out of hand.

“One of the main characteristics I loved about him was his Christian faith. We have been going to church together since a few months into dating. My heart is broken and he feels it's ok to ask because men are visual and like porn. I don't want to jeopardize our marriage. What should I do? I do not want a divorce.”

The Rev. Sandra Nikkel, head pastor of Conklin Reformed Church, responds:

How did we reach this level of moral decay that a ‘Christian’ husband would even consider asking his wife something like this! My answer to this poor woman is: You've been married for less than a year and this is what he's asking you to do! Unless he gets help for his porn addiction, his moral compass will deteriorate even worse, so ask yourself if you're willing to continue on this downward spiral that he already has you in.

Linda Knieriemen, Senior Pastor at First Presbyterian Church in Holland, responds:

“I would tell this woman that she needs to listen to her heart, trust her instincts, tend to her soul. God intends for our sexuality to bring life and joy and wholeness. If what her husband is asking her to do fractures her God-given sense of wholeness, her only spiritually and emotionally healthy option is to refuse his requests. If her husband chooses to divorce her she will still have her soul intact. She can choose to not engage in the behavior he requests without judging him for his desires.

“There is a lot of ground between refusing this request and divorce. As for jeopardizing her marriage, she jeopardizes her marriage by turning her back on her beliefs and emotions to comply with her husband’s wishes. I’d urge them to find a marriage counsellor to help assist them in working through this situation.”

Fred Stella, the Pracharak (Outreach Minister) for the West Michigan Hindu Temple, responds:

I am pained at reading your letter. While Hinduism maintains the same ideals of sexual ethics as other established world religions, I acknowledge that different couples have different appetites; and I am slow to criticize what choices they make. But of utmost importance is the enthusiastic consent of both parties. It sounds as if what he is suggesting is abhorrent to you. I would not allow myself to engage in the activities he desires merely to appease him. 

I would suggest that you and your husband sit down and have a very frank conversation about what you both want out of this marriage. If your refusal to agree to acting out his sexual fantasies is a deal breaker, then by all means, break the deal now. It’ll only get harder as time goes by. It is my fervent hope that you are able to come to a meeting of the minds, and have a joyous life together. 

Rev. Ray Lanning, a retired minister of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, responds:

“One essential requirement for marriage is the consent of the parties involved. Presbyterianism teaches that ‘it is lawful for all sorts of people to marry who are able with judgment to give their consent’ (Westminster Confession, Ch. XXIV, Sec. III). This requirement continues through all the days of married life. One party to the marriage should not impose his or her will on the other. And as a disciple of Christ, you should do nothing you cannot do with a clear conscience, that is, being fully persuaded that what you propose to do is pleasing and acceptable to God (Romans 12:21, 2).

“More needs to be said. In setting forth the requirement of the Seventh Commandment (‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ Exodus 20:14), the Heidelberg Catechism notes that this commandment goes beyond forbidding adultery and ‘like gross sins.’ ‘Since both our body and soul are temples of the Holy Ghost, God commands us to preserve them pure and holy; He forbids all unchaste actions, gestures, words, thoughts, desires, and whatever can entice men thereto’ (Heidelberg Catechism, Q. 109). Both of you should examine your life together in the light of God’s Word, and change what needs to be changed. Remember that ‘ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s’ (I Corinthians 6:20).”