Ethics and Religion Talk: Do I Have to Return That Annoying Person's Call?

The Rev. Sandra Nikkel, head pastor of Conklin Reformed Church, responds:

People deserve the respect to hear the truth. And there is a way to tell the truth kindly. What they do with the truth they hear is not up to you. But you must have the integrity to be honest with them. Sometimes, a very simple sentence is enough, without having to go into long explanations of why you would prefer not to speak on the phone with them for too long or too often. Finally, let me tell you that a good friend must be willing to speak the truth to a friend, even when the truth hurts. Proverbs 27:6 puts it this way: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." I often read a verse or a passage in different versions to get a fuller meaning. Here is the  ERV version for that same verse "You can trust what your friend says, even when it hurts. But your enemies want to hurt you, even when they act nice."

Linda Knieriemen, Senior Pastor at First Presbyterian Church in Holland, responds:

As a child I watched my pastor father negotiate this frequently. On occasion if a phone call was never-ending and he couldn’t extricate himself from the call, he motioned for my mother to ring the doorbell and call him to the door for an emergency. Haha. 

All kidding aside, religious leaders have to learn how to set boundaries both for their own health and sanity and for fostering healthy pastor/parishioner relationships. If a parishioner is being abusive, the pastor needs to call it what it is, even at the risk of a defensive or angry response. I had a parishioner with whom I would set a time limit for call (unless of course she was in significant distress). “I have about 15 minutes before I have another commitment”. When the 15 minutes was up, I would bring the conversation to a close. Sometimes with real difficulty. I found the most important thing was to be honest, kind, and firm with such difficult folks. 

Fred Stella, the Pracharak (Outreach Minister) for the West Michigan Hindu Temple, responds:

If someone is calling to solicit my business, I have no issue not returning their calls or avoiding them. But if it is personal in nature I always bite the bullet and have the conversation. I would not suffer abuse, and can’t think of having had to deal with that. My biggest concern ​surrounds those who don’t seem to respect my time and don’t know when to stop. Sometimes, after saying good-bye more than twice, I may be somewhat abrupt. I don’t like having to do that, but I do have to move on.

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

No one has the right to abuse another person under any circumstances. If someone phones me in anger and is abusive, I warn them twice to calm down. If the angry person persists, I end the call. I will not speak with that person again until the person calms down.

I never find questions annoying. What may be annoying is an individual refusing to accept the response to the question.

I do not allow individuals to keep me on the phone for too long. If I need to return to what I was doing when the phone rang, I tell them this. I courteously ask them to make their point and ask the question. I give them their response and politely end the call.

My response:

I’m not surprised that each panelists’ response suggests that we have an ethical obligation to return phone calls, even when we fear they will be unpleasant. I agree. Gen-Z’ers, we’re talking to you! You, who have grown up with texting as the primary communication platform, should know that it is not always the best platform for having a discussion. Email - gasp! - is better for longer messages which require more explanation, and a phone call is best for something which requires an extended back and forth communication or when tone makes a difference. And when body language is tossed in the mix, a face-to-face conversation is best.

Clergy may have a special obligation to provide a compassionate, listening, ear by returning phone calls, but I also believe that it is a human obligation, even and perhaps especially for people who lack the social skill to self-regulate. It then becomes up to us to set appropriate boundaries regarding the phone call; to set a time limit at the beginning, to prompt the other if the subject wanders off-topic, and to end the call if it becomes abusive.