Ethics and Religion Talk: Should I be proselyzed at a funeral?

I have attended many funerals in my time. One thing that I'm frustrated about is the fact that so often, the officiant takes the opportunity to convince the friends and family of the deceased who might not be members of the same religion of the veracity of this particular faith. I feel trapped in such situations. Certainly, it's their spiritual community, so they should be able to conduct services the way they want. But would anyone on this panel agree that perhaps clergy should not push such a hard sell in situations as these?

Rev. Ray Lanning, a retired minister of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, responds:

As a Reformed and Presbyterian pastor, it was my privilege to conduct many funerals for my fellow Christians. In more recent times, it has been my sad duty to attend many funerals of neighbors and friends. As an officiant at funerals, I felt it my duty to speak on behalf of the “dearly departed” and show how their Christian faith lived in them, shaped them and made them so dear to family and friends. Often before they died, they had urged me to do no less. I preached the gospel of Christ, in very personal, and I hope, compelling terms. 

But it is quite another thing to set about convincing or trying to convince others of the validity of the Christian faith. A funeral is not a forum for disputation or debate. First of all, human persuasion has its limits. If I can talk you into believing in Christianity for the moment, you can talk yourself out of it on your drive home. The minister’s task is not to convince, but only to bear faithful witness to things taught, promised and commanded in God’s Word. Faith is a grace wrought in the soul be the Holy Ghost using the preaching of the gospel as His great instrument or tool for this work (Heidelberg Catechism, Q. 65). If the Holy Ghost does not convince you, if the truth and power of God’s Word do not persuade you, there is nothing I can offer as an alternative. True faith does not “stand in the wisdom of men” (I Corinthians 2:5).

The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:

This is not part of a Unitarian Universalist funeral or memorial service. In fact, I think most UU would agree this would be a highly inappropriate time to evangelize or have an altar call. When someone dies, our services are often called a Celebration of Life, and the entire service is meant to talk solely about the deceased and the impact they had on all of us. 

Fred Stella, the Pracharak (Outreach Minister) for the West Michigan Hindu Temple, responds:

Oh, I’ve been with there, brother (or sister). I’ll admit to some morbid humor by occasionally telling people to be careful whom they become friends with; because they might die before you and you’ll have to sit through an interminable funeral. On one occasion I even walked out of a funeral. The minister began by saying he’d be speaking for about 45 minutes. And that wasn’t the eulogy, that was soul-saving. I didn’t love the deceased enough to sit through that. And believe me, it takes a lot for me to skip the lunch afterwards. 

I promise that you can make all the Hindu friends you want. If they predecease you can be assured that the funerals will be conducted in a way to encourage you to leave with the religion (or lack thereof) that you came in with. And lunch will be outstanding.

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

In the Roman Catholic religious tradition, the funeral is not simply the celebration of the deceased individual’s life, which is a method of grieving. The funeral is an act of worship of God. This time of celebration is for “family and friends to gather and give thanks to God for Christ’s victory over death” (https://www.usccb.org/prayer-and-worship/sacraments-and-sacramentals/bereavement-and-funerals/overview-of-catholic-funeral-rites). 

A funeral is not a time to proselytize. You are justified in your feeling of being trapped. Your choice to grieve with friends is not about converting to one religion or another. I know people who purposefully bring a newspaper, work, or cell phone. When these situations occur, they stop listening and do their own thing. Another option is to get up and walk out.

My response:

When I attend a funeral, I do so in order to be present for my friend who has lost a loved one. I am not there to make a statement about my own faith practice. If my friend’s tradition includes active proselytizing, I just let it glide over me and remind myself that I am there to support my friend. I am not so arrogant as to presume to tell another tradition how they should conduct their religious services and rituals. And my faith is not so shallow that it is in danger of collapsing after listening to a Christian service for an hour or so.