Ethics and Religion Talk: Interfaith Marriage

Perhaps I shouldn't assume, but I am guessing that since all contributors are clergy members, they've officiated interfaith weddings on occasion. I'd like to know their thoughts on this subject. Have they followed the lives of any of the couples enough to evaluate success or failure? Do they encourage people to marry within the fold?

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

I have been ordained a Catholic priest for thirty years. I have done two weddings. The parties were all Catholic.

The Catholic Church teaches that the differences in religion between two individuals seeking marriage are not insurmountable (cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, p. 408). The couple must speak openly and honestly about differences, expectations and faith practices.

When I lived in Albuquerque, I knew a woman who was married to the love of her life. He was Methodist and she was Roman Catholic. He would drop her off at Church and then go to the Methodist Church. After Mass, he would pick [up] the love of his life. Both practiced their respective faith tradition. They had a happy and fulfilling marriage.

The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:

As a rule, Unitarian Universalist ministers are often asked to officiate interfaith and non-UU weddings. We are a faith that celebrates theologic[al] diversity, therefore we are respectful of multiple religions and non-religious views a couple may bring into their marriage. In my ten years in Michigan, I have officiated over 40 weddings. To my knowledge, only three have ended in divorce. Unitarian Universalism encourages healthy, safe marriages with strong communication between partners. What religion a person is (or isn’t) in a marriage is not critical in our faith.

Fred Stella, the Pracharak (Outreach Minister) for the West Michigan Hindu Temple, responds:

The West Michigan Hindu Temple, where I serve as Pracharak (Outreach Minister) offers two options for weddings. Most Hindus would prefer to be married by a priest. The ceremony here is quite elaborate, performed in Sanskrit, and rather lengthy; normally around three hours. 

But we offer a wedding liturgy that differs greatly from the aforementioned. This one is performed by the Pracharak. The people who request my services are rarely Hindu. Often, they come from either Christian or secular backgrounds. They wish to include a spiritual aspect in their ceremony, but if they have left their birth religion they feel hypocritical getting married in a church or having a Christian pastor officiating. And many of these couples have developed an affinity for Eastern practices, so the inclusion of Hindu prayers (in English) or a Hindu-inspired sermon seem[s] to come closer to their worldview. By the way, the choreography of this service resembles a typical Protestant ritual. The families and friends assembled tend to be very comfortable in a situation such as this.

Now closer to your inquiry: Yes, several of the couples I’ve hitched are still in my circle. And yes, a good number of them are interfaith. My take on the matter is that marriages are less challenging when both parties are not heavily committed to their birth faith. If you have a very observant Christian marrying a Hindu with the same fervor for their tradition, it may be smooth sailing for a while. But when children come, there tends to be a tug of war of sorts. I am always amazed when I hear of couples in this predicament who never really talked this out prior to nuptials. 

In all marriages there are challenges. Social sciences confirm that when couples share the same education level, social status and religion there does tend to be more success. I always share this information with couples; but not to discourage them, only to prepare them.

My response:

I appear to be the outlier in this question. The traditional Jewish movements do not allow rabbis to officiate at intermarriages. The liturgy and ritual of the wedding ceremony assumes that both members of the couple are Jewish, speaking of the law of Moses and Israel when exchanging the rings, as well as the survival and propagation of the Jewish people and the return and gathering of the Jewish people in Jerusalem. Every couple I have married have both been Jewish.

Marriage is difficult. Every couple has differences to be negotiated. The more differences, the more challenges to be overcome. Even among endogamous couples, there are cultural differences when they are from different countries or backgrounds, religious differences when they practice Judaism differently, and different attitudes towards money, sex, family, children and household chores. Couples whose religious practice and family religion are distinctly different have an additional hurdle. I know interfaith couples with successful marriages and endogamous couples whose marriages end in divorce. I usually engage in premarital counseling to begin conversations about issues that can prove problematic, but I have realized that I don’t have the wisdom to predict successful marriages.

This column answers questions of Ethics and Religion by submitting them to a multi-faith panel of spiritual leaders in the Grand Rapids area. We’d love to hear about the ordinary ethical questions that come up in the course of your day as well as any questions of religion that you’ve wondered about. Tell us how you resolved an ethical dilemma and see how members of the Ethics and Religion Talk panel would have handled the same situation. Please send your questions to [email protected].