Ethics and Religion Talk: Help! My spouse has dementia and I'm lonely!, part 2

My wife has been diagnosed with some type of non-Alzheimer's dementia. She has been getting gradually worse over the last ten years. This has affected her physically, intellectually and emotionally and has affected me also in the same manner. I find myself craving an interesting conversation to be able to express myself. I still love her and have assured her I’m with her until either her or I expire and I hope I can keep that commitment to her.

Recently I met a woman at a store and she started a conversation. We probably talked for five minutes. During that time I felt a strong feeling of attraction (non-sexual) towards her. It’s very hard to explain except to say I have never had a feeling like that before in my life. We ended our conversation by shaking hands and exchanging first names. If I ever see her again, I would like to talk to her again over a cup of coffee.

Would having a serious relationship with a woman under my circumstances without my wife's knowledge be breaking my wedding vows?

[Editor’s note: We received six responses to this question, three at least cautiously amenable towards the questioner’s suggestion of having coffee, and three less so. We published the first three responses last week. This week, we present three additional responses and my own.]

The Rev. Sandra Nikkel, head pastor of Conklin Reformed Church, responds:

The way you’re caring for your wife models unconditional love--something worth imitating and something God notices because that's the same kind of commitment He has with us, his children. Your cravings for interesting conversations are normal and natural. So, my advice would be to join a book club, a philosophy discussion group or a spiritual gathering of men from your church or a local church where you can have deep conversations. Your needs can be met in that way as you continue to love your wife the way Christ loves us. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." (Ephesians 5:25) As far as the lady you met, what you are describing is the way many affairs have begun--affairs which eventually destroyed wonderful marriages and caused permanent damage to innocent children. It doesn't start with a sexual attraction. The devil is craftier than that. It starts with a desire to "connect" with someone at an emotional or intellectual level. Then the connection automatically wants to move to the next level, the physical or sexual level. So, I would run in the opposite direction. 

Father Kevin Niehoff, O.P., a Dominican priest who serves as Judicial Vicar, Diocese of Grand Rapids, responds:

In the Roman Catholic Church, marriage is a consortium totius vitae, a covenant relationship for the whole of life. Marriage does not mean that the man and the woman may not have friends of the opposite gender.

Human beings rightly crave social interactions. Your challenge is having a wife who no longer fulfills this need. You have a right to friendships with other people, men and women.

You ask about a “serious relationship” with the woman. I can only presume you mean companionship. Again, there is nothing wrong with having friends of a different gender. The potential problem is violating the marital commitment you and your wife made to one another.

Please know that there are other options for you. One need only put the words “dementia support groups” into an internet search engine to find meetings with other individuals in your position. If you do not have access to the internet, ask a friend, go to the local library or have a family member search for you.

Rev. Ray Lanning, a retired minister of the Reformed Presbyterian Church of North America, responds:

Many years of providing care for the elderly has taught me to view dementia as a kind of death in slow motion. Our demented loved ones are not yet in heaven, but no longer fully present on earth. This not yet/no longer condition imposes many burdens on caregivers. Charitably, I will assume your account of the situation to be true. If so, why not involve this attractive woman in the work of caring for your wife? If the new woman in your life values your friendship, she will rise to the challenge of supporting and assisting you in the hardest work of your married life. The shadow of sin would fall on the relationship only if it were carried on in secret. It may be a sin if you feel compelled to keep it secret. “To him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin” (James 4:17).

My response:

We make choices in our lives, and some choose to live in a relationship with another. There is a mechanism to mutually end that relationship if there are irreconcilable differences or, God forbid, abuse. I admire the questioner’s commitment to their relationship. The end of a human life can be messy and inconvenient. Seeing a loved one through to the end of the ultimate gift of love.

Dear reader, along with caring for your wife, you deserve to have a social life and a supportive community around you. With respect to the woman you met in the store, I suspect that your strong feelings are rooted in a sense of loneliness. Caregivers need care as well. You might find that in a religious community or other group structured around share interests. And you might make friendships with people that you meet for lunch, dinner, or coffee, or go to concerts or plays together. I would suggest that having these kind of social relationships would reduce your desire to pursue a serious relationship with someone you spoke to for five minutes.

This column answers questions of Ethics and Religion by submitting them to a multi-faith panel of spiritual leaders in the Grand Rapids area. We’d love to hear about the ordinary ethical questions that come up in the course of your day as well as any questions of religion that you’ve wondered about. Tell us how you resolved an ethical dilemma and see how members of the Ethics and Religion Talk panel would have handled the same situation. Please send your questions to [email protected].