Ethics and Religion Talk: Help! My spouse has dementia and I'm lonely!, part 1

My wife has been diagnosed with some type of non-Alzheimer's dementia. She has been getting gradually worse over the last ten years. This has affected her physically, intellectually and emotionally and has affected me also in the same manner. I find myself craving an interesting conversation to be able to express myself. I still love her and have assured her I’m with her until either her or I expire and I hope I can keep that commitment to her.

Recently I met a woman at a store and she started a conversation. We probably talked for five minutes. During that time, I felt a strong feeling of attraction (non-sexual) towards her. It’s very hard to explain except to say I have never had a feeling like that before in my life. We ended our conversation by shaking hands and exchanging first names. If I ever see her again, I would like to talk to her again over a cup of coffee.

Would having a serious relationship with a woman under my circumstances without my wife's knowledge be breaking my wedding vows?

[Editor’s note: We received six responses to this question, three at least cautiously amenable towards the questioner’s suggestion of having coffee, and three less so. We’ll publish the first three responses this week, and the final responses, as well as my own, next week.]

Fred Stella, the Pracharak (Outreach Minister) for the West Michigan Hindu Temple, responds:

I have nothing but sympathy for you, friend. I understand this dilemma. While many would immediately recommend that you divest yourself of any hope to establish a friendship with this potential new friend, I would suggest one possible route that might satisfy all parties involved. Do you think your wife would understand your need to cultivate other relationships beyond your marriage now that she can no longer fulfill her previous role? Would you be able to maintain a platonic friendship with this person? You say that your attraction up to this point is nonsexual. I believe you, but that could change with a mere glance. 

At this point it seems as if your wife has enough agency to make decisions. I would encourage you to be straightforward with her in your request to expand your emotional and intellectual horizons. Now, if she should descend into the later stages of dementia to the point where she can no longer comprehend what you are asking, then I would say you should be able to cultivate the human connections you desire. But at this point, it’s not the platonic relationship with anyone that might be in opposition to your vows, it’s the deception involved. 

I admire your steadfastness in committing to your wife’s care. And these days, we are hearing more about “care for the caregiver.” As long as other friendships do not take you away from your primary duties to your wife, it is possible that they may create in you a greater willingness to sacrifice yourself for the long haul. You have also inspired me to discuss this with my wife. I would not hesitate to “give her permission” to meet her emotional and intellectual needs should she end up in your situation.

Linda Knieriemen, a retired pastor of the Presbyterian Church (USA), responds:

This is an important question in these days when dementia is increasingly prevalent.

Having had an open conversation with a spouse before a dementia diagnosis would help alleviate this man’s angst over this present circumstance. Understandably, this would be a tender conversation, perhaps beyond the ability of many couples to navigate. 

A friendly relationship with a woman in this man’s case would not seem to be a breaking of wedding vows, so yes, have coffee! Have a chat and be completely open with the friend about circumstances and boundaries of the friendship. 

Having a serious relationship, if this assumes a sexual or intimate one, raises more fraught questions best explored with a pastor or counsellor. How would such a relationship impact his attention to his wife’s needs? Does "as long as we both shall live” refer to just physical life or also a cognitive or emotional life? What would the impact be on relationships with family? Would this even have an impact on the gentleman’s decision? Could he tell his wife he has a new female friend? Can he maintain a relationship with another woman without keeping it a secret? Having to keep a secrets, i.e. to lie, may be the greatest detriment to the man’s wellbeing and the best ethical reason to not engage in such an extramarital relationship.

The Reverend Colleen Squires, minister at All Souls Community Church of West Michigan, a Unitarian Universalist Congregation, responds:

I am assuming both you and your wife agreed to remain faithful and exclusive to each other for as long as you shall live. If that is the case, I do think it is possible to have a cup of coffee with someone and enjoy a quality conversation occasionally without breaking your marriage vows. But if you enter into a serious relationship with someone and keep this relationship from your wife, then there is a problem. Keeping secrets from your spouse is seldom a sign of a healthy relationship.

Some couples have what is called an open marriage. This means that they agreed long ago that they would be open to each other having intimate relationships with other people. An open marriage is not for everyone and can be too difficult, but it does allow for more options as life unfolds. The key to its success is healthy communication between partners.

This column answers questions of Ethics and Religion by submitting them to a multi-faith panel of spiritual leaders in the Grand Rapids area. We’d love to hear about the ordinary ethical questions that come up in the course of your day as well as any questions of religion that you’ve wondered about. Tell us how you resolved an ethical dilemma and see how members of the Ethics and Religion Talk panel would have handled the same situation. Please send your questions to [email protected].

Updated, 2:38 p.m., 4/1/24, correction of title capitalization

Updated, 2:40 p.m., 4/1/24, correction of title capitalization